Before I go to the market

I must be really nervous about applying for law school because this is my second post in a week.

It's overcast today in Berkeley, which is, I guess, the common weather around here. Just took Niko to school and back home to go grocery shopping. We need some fruits and vegetables.

I'll be going to the library today to do some logic games. At this time before app deadlines, I find the most solace in the library studying and getting my personal statement ready. I feel so sad when I have to leave the library because I know I won't be able to work on my stuff outside the library. I just can't do my studying and applications at home. Perhaps I bring all my anxiety home and leave all my anxiety at home before going to the library. Hmm, I should try to change that. My sister and my son live with me at home so if I'm bringing and leaving a lot of my stress and anxiety for apps here, that must affect them too.

Today, I will be conscious of shedding my anxiety at the door before I enter my apartment. I will enter my apartment with gratitude in my heart for a job and for compassionate co-workers, for the opportunity to apply to law school and to live with a supportive sister and an amazing son. I also think of my good partner who is at her grandmother's funeral in Arizona this week. And my companion of the road towards law school, the fierce Melissa Gant.

As I write, I watch a green hued humming bird flying around the neighbor's cherry tree, picking on the dried pits. Whenever I witness a humming bird with my own eyes, I feel very blessed. In my indigenous knowledge, which I constantly unravel each day, I learned that the humming bird is a manifestation of little people and little animals, like faeries. Part of my ancestry are little people and little animals, faeries. When I witness a humming bird, I am reminded that the ancestors are walking with me in this journey, this difficult journey, and their presence makes me humble and grateful. Their presence gives me compassion and I am reassured that law school is not just a possibility, it's mine to claim because it is a tool I will use to help my community. This is the promise of my ancestors, the little folks.