the golden hour

The LSAT test is coming up on October 9. I feel alright about that. I've taken it once before so I know what to expect. I'm studying harder each day and fighting to stay focused.

There are difficult things happening in my own life right now. My partner and I have been misunderstanding each other for many months now. We were in a place where we couldn't communicate kindly with each other. But I lived 9 years with a husband without ever feeling satisfied with my communication with him. However, my partner said to me, "We're the kind of women that would stay together forever out of loyalty to each other, but I don't want that for you, I don't want that for me. I don't want you to only stay to be kind to me, I want us to be able to get what we want." I thought for a while and said, "You're right, I want to be free, I want you to be free."

We agreed to break up on a Friday night, after a long day at work, and right before taking a LSAT practice test at 10:00 am the next morning. I took the practice test, but by section 3, it was reading comp, I lost my concentration. I just sat at the desk for the rest of the session, wiping my eyes with my fingers.
It's been 11 and a half days.

In the last week, I've reasurred myself, "We'll get back togther." I even call her still and ask if I can go over, like last night. I leave voice messages. In the mornings, I hope she's alright getting to work and hope her day is going well in the afternoon. When the sky is a golden hue in the evening, I think of her, she told me that it's called the golden hour, excellent lighting for photographers and a time we loved walking by the water.
I call to wish her sweet dreams, and leave phone messages.

Since I first shared with her my goal to go to law school, she told me she would help me get there. She provided me with funding for private lessons. She helped to raise my son, practicing trumpet with him, doing math homework, attending school events and being his friend. She drove me to take my first LSAT test last year. I finished the test and walked next door to her job, where she was facilitating a retreat. I was hungry and she saved me two lunch boxes from the retreat.

This is the kind of partner she has been to me.

I was given this meaningful relationship as I prepared for law school last year and as I'm about to turn in my applications this October, my relationship ended. Right now, I think this is unfair to me and her, we don't deserve this kind of sadness and pain. We both gave our all to make this relationship work.

Now I'm going outside. I'll stop by the post office to pay off the other half of rent, very late this month, and going to do more LSAT practice.

I'm re-reading this post as my LSAT buddy Ruby and I are about to time ourselves on logical reasoning.
It's been another week since breaking up and my heart is still raw. Last night, I felt so angry at the pain I'm feeling. I wanted to throw rocks at buildings and break the glass walls of those tall skyscrapers. So I defriended my former partner from my Facebook. Silly, but I had to get some kind of control in this sadness. I thought, "Everything I want from this life, I never get."

I walked to the water this morning and sat under a tree. I was greeted by dragon fly, humming bird, butterfly, egret and seagull was standing calmly on a wooden post, floating on the sea.

Here I am at the library. I was blessed with a beautiful relationship to a wonderful woman for one year, and feeling so shitty today, all I got from this relationship is....staying the path to reach my goal.

Before I go to the market

I must be really nervous about applying for law school because this is my second post in a week.

It's overcast today in Berkeley, which is, I guess, the common weather around here. Just took Niko to school and back home to go grocery shopping. We need some fruits and vegetables.

I'll be going to the library today to do some logic games. At this time before app deadlines, I find the most solace in the library studying and getting my personal statement ready. I feel so sad when I have to leave the library because I know I won't be able to work on my stuff outside the library. I just can't do my studying and applications at home. Perhaps I bring all my anxiety home and leave all my anxiety at home before going to the library. Hmm, I should try to change that. My sister and my son live with me at home so if I'm bringing and leaving a lot of my stress and anxiety for apps here, that must affect them too.

Today, I will be conscious of shedding my anxiety at the door before I enter my apartment. I will enter my apartment with gratitude in my heart for a job and for compassionate co-workers, for the opportunity to apply to law school and to live with a supportive sister and an amazing son. I also think of my good partner who is at her grandmother's funeral in Arizona this week. And my companion of the road towards law school, the fierce Melissa Gant.

As I write, I watch a green hued humming bird flying around the neighbor's cherry tree, picking on the dried pits. Whenever I witness a humming bird with my own eyes, I feel very blessed. In my indigenous knowledge, which I constantly unravel each day, I learned that the humming bird is a manifestation of little people and little animals, like faeries. Part of my ancestry are little people and little animals, faeries. When I witness a humming bird, I am reminded that the ancestors are walking with me in this journey, this difficult journey, and their presence makes me humble and grateful. Their presence gives me compassion and I am reassured that law school is not just a possibility, it's mine to claim because it is a tool I will use to help my community. This is the promise of my ancestors, the little folks.

Applying for Law School

It's September 1st. The stress is settling in. For People of Color.org, the nonprofit org that helps prospective students of color to apply to law school, set the law school application deadline for Oct. 1st. The majority of law schools' deadlines for application are Feb. 1st or 15th, but most schools are rolling admissions, so it's to a prospective student's advantage to apply as early as possible. Many schools open for applications on September 1st.
I'm studying for the LSAT. Revising my personal statement for the 30th time. I need to send drafts of my personal statement to professors I've had so they can send my letters of recommendation to LSDAS. Some schools have extra essays to write beside the personal statement. Trying to start on those. Right now I'm also reviewing schools' applications online and calling their admissions's offices and asking questions about fee waivers for apps and if they're rolling admissions or not, etc. Yale is not rolling admissions. Josie at admissions told me that around Thanksgiving is a good time to turn in Yale applications.
We can use the letter of recommendation questionaire with our letters of rec. It's provided by LSDAS and it's optional. I'm thinking of not using it. I still don't know.

I'm getting short tempered at work. I'd rather study for the LSAT and work on my personal statement then do work right now. Work can wait for one month but I need the pay. It's nice that my son is back at school. We'll both have a lot of homework.

My LSAT score is still not up to what I want, but, unlike last year, I'm not scared of the LSAT and I enjoy studying it. And, I'm improving each day as I study. Right now I'm taking a Kaplan prep course that I won from one of the FPOC events. Although many prospective students told me that Kaplan is useless, I find it helpful, although I must admit that I use the Testing for the Public prep course strategies instead of Kaplan strategies.
Testing for the Public is super amazing, particularly for people of color who are women and queer and immigrants! Hehehe, but for real! It's an LSAT prep course that teaches you how to think like a white straight male who has lived in the U.S. all his life! It doesn't do that by hypnotizing you or make you deny your ancestry and personal histories. It just teaches you strategies that help you to understand how the test makers and those who do well on the tests think. Because, for real, I don't think like that. Unfortunately it's only offered in the San Francisco Bay Area.
But I'm enjoying my Kaplan class. Particularly because I take it with Ruby, a Samoan/Tongan sister who is amazingly positive and enthusiastic about life. Even when our homework isn't done, Ruby praises the fact that we at least made it to class. Even when we don't make it to class, Ruby points out that at least we're at the library studying. When we should be in class and we're not at the library, Ruby praises the fact that we're somewhere having fun instead of being unhappy. She's a great LSAT buddy!

I just wanted to write this brief post to alleviate some stress I had from not posting anything on my blog for the last four months. I hope to post more often as this process becomes more stressful. Blogging can help me keep my cool. Much love!