disappointment, postponement and continuing the path

Yesterday, after tough conversations with my sister and thinking deeply about where my life is at, I wrote to my undergraduate professor, Dave Stanley, and said:

Hi Dave,

I'm so sorry that I had you working on my letter of rec. I kept pushing myself to apply this year (for law school) but, after many conversations with current law students and a few law professors, I have decided to postpone my application until this fall, Fall 2010.
My LSAT score was low (145 out of 180) and I am going to retake the preparation class and retake the test.
I do want you to still write a letter of rec for me in September 2010.

I am very sorry for putting this extra stress on you Dave. Thank you for all your support throughout my attempt.
I look forward to your continued support this year and, together, we will make attending law school a reality for me!!!

Dear readers,

I apologize for not writing on my blog. I thank readers for congratulating me on taking the LSAT and wishing me luck on my score. I thank all of you for your encouragement.

I am not applying this year. My score of 145 is below the average. I was going to apply anyway to a program that would accept my score because I didn't want to repeat the grueling and painful experience of retaking the preparation classes, studying constantly at the library and the anxiety of retaking the test. I really wanted to avoid all this.

I spoke with a recent graduate of UCLA Law School who was a student representative at UCLA's Law School Admissions Committee and now working as a Public Defender. He challenged me to take the LSAT again to improve my score. A current Boalt Hall Law School student advised me to retake the test too and to apply no later than Thanksgiving. I didn't want to hear this advice.

My mind was preoccupied with my apps. I worked on my personal statement and applications but I didn't feel inspired and motivated anymore. I hit a brick wall with trying to finish my personal statement. I couldn't even write on my blog. I felt very disappointed with myself in receiving a low test score and I couldn't look beyond my disappointment. I started to feel depressed and became very angry and put my anger unfairly on my sister and my relationship with my girlfriend.

I did not spend time with myself to think about my disappointment, to evaluate what happened. I did not thank and acknowledge myself for working hard and earnestly. I judged myself harshly and buried myself in work.

I received a consulting job in late October to help City of Oakland planners to designate neighborhoods in order for these neighborhoods to more readily receive regional funding. Although the research for this project spanned two months, it took me three days to finish the document I was contracted for. I marveled at how fast it took me to finish this City of Oakland document compared to the months upon months I have taken on my personal statement.

Throughout this time, I insisted on applying to law school anyway. I felt that I had to be committed to my goal to apply in 2009 for the 2010 school year since that was my original plan.

On Friday, my sister Fui and I were driving to the KPFA Community Radio Station to do an interview on the Hard Knock Radio Show about an anthology we are helping to edit called, "Uso's on Freeways: An Anthology of Pacific Island Writers from/in the Continental U.S."

That morning I woke up angry. I didn't know why I was angry, but like many times before, the anger was just there. I felt very uncomfortable with the anger that was in my bones and that filled each cell of my body. I have felt this anger for most of my life. Although it brought great discomfort and hurt, I never talked to anyone about it before.

My sister tried to talk with me about ideas for the radio interview and I found it difficult to just chill out and enjoy myself. I became very critical of her suggestions and I exuded uncomfortable vibes.

On our drive to the KPFA studio, a feeling of great anger came upon me as I sat next to my sister. My sister felt it and could not understand why I would be so angry at her, especially when she secured this interview for the anthology and treated me kindly. She began to cry and she postponed the interview because we weren't in good terms. She told me to go home, but then called me a few minutes later to talk about what happened. I immediately changed my attitude because I could see how I hurt my sister. For the first time in my life, I took the anger that was inside me and held it outside of myself so I could see it, so I could look at it as something that I had carried but I do not have to carry for the rest of my life.

Fui asked us to try to solve our differences, particularly since we promised my son Niko that we were going to watch Avatar 3D for the first time that night. We didn't want to create family drama for Niko, and also, for ourselves.

I told Fui about the great anger that I carry. It was the first time I had talked about the anger itself. An immense anger that is a burden on me but that I have carried since I was a young child. Fui (and Elisa, my girlfriend, has said this too) said that the anger I carried helped me to survive in the past, but it now hindered my development to find joy and happiness.

I looked at the gigantic, calloused and hardened ball of anger I held away from myself and let it go. It melted like snow and flew away like dust. The memory and habits of the anger I carried for so long, returns many times and I have to put it outside of myself again and give it to the universe.

In my conversation with my sister, I found out that my ball of anger was full of my disappointment of my low LSAT score and the fact that I didn't apply to law school this year. I wept out loudly and horrific screams wailed out of my mouth as I came to terms with the reality of my law school process. I received a low LSAT and I did not apply to law school in 2009.

The reality of my law school applications is also the reality of what happened with the rest of my life, because my law school application does not exist in itself, it is part of me and I am part of a family, a community and a world.

As I wept in disappointment and shame for not having applied to law school in 2009, I cried out angrily and said, "I'd give up coming out queer this minute if Harvard accepted me right now." When I feel great anger boil in me, I blame and become distrustful of things I love the most and those who love me the most, like my sister, my family, and, as I cursed out, my girlfriend.

Would I really give up loving and accepting my queer self, which is the difficult work I did in 2009, for a place at a law school?

My commitment to become a lawyer for disenfranchised people and things comes from having grown up as a kid who honed a keen understanding of power disparities from being treated unfairly and silenced by people who were uncomfortable with my "weirdness."

I am humbled that I will become a queer lawyer one day.

Lawyers are legal advocates for people and things. On my journey to become a lawyer one day, I must be my strongest advocate. That's why I must set aside the ball of anger that has festered in my life. I must let go of my anger, which includes my shame, my embarrassment and my disappointment. All these things stop me on my tracks from continuing to reach my goal.

I am applying for law school again. I learned many things from my first attempt that were important lessons. I also have a bigger and stronger posse to help me on this journey. I thank the members of my posse who are present all the time, in body or spirit, and are committed to seeing this journey through with me.

2010, what a great year to try again for law school!!!